Listening Is Not as Easy as It Sounds
Thoughts on James 1:19
We all know what it feels like to be “heard” but not really listened to. Maybe you were talking to a friend, and you could tell they were only half there, waiting for their turn to talk. Or maybe you’ve caught your mind wandering and you were already three steps ahead, planning your response.
The truth is this: listening is not as easy as it sounds.
Listening is a discipline. It takes humility, patience, and practice. And it may be one of the most important gifts you can give to another person.
In the October 5 article, I put together a brief summary of Sunday’s content. But I left out many of the “how to” parts. Here are some practical ways to cultivate the kind of listening that builds trust and deepens relationships.
Stop Preparing Your Response
Most of us don’t realize how quickly our minds shift away from the person in front of us. When we are supposed to be listening, we start planning what we’ll say next instead. Or we start rehearsing a story that will top theirs. When we do that, we’ve already stopped listening.
Good listening means setting aside your cleverness and focusing completely on the other person. Listening is not about preparing the perfect reply. It is about being present.
Sometimes the most powerful response is as simple as:
“Thanks for telling me.” OR “I didn’t realize you were going through that.” OR “That must be hard.”
Ask Better Questions
“How was school?” usually gets you “fine.” “How’s work?” A shrug.
Listening is fueled by thoughtful, specific, open-ended questions.
Try: “Who did you sit with at lunch today?”
“What’s the best part of your new job so far?”
“What’s been the hardest thing this week?”
Specific, open-ended questions create momentum in a conversation. They show you are paying attention, and they invite more than a one-word answer.
Give Up the Right to Have the Last Word
One of the surest ways to shut down a moment is to hijack it. Someone shares their story, and we jump in with, “That’s nothing. You should hear what happened to me!”
When we do this, we take the spotlight off the other person and put it on ourselves. Listening requires letting the other person have the moment. Do not try to match their story, outdo it, or explain it away. Simply let it stand. Consider your silence a gift.
Listen Between and Behind the Words
This is where many of us stumble. Someone (my aging mother) says, “You never call me anymore.” My instinct was to argue the fact: “Mom. I just called you a few days ago,” ~ and show her the phone log. (In case you are wondering. This was NOT helpful.)
What she was really saying was, “I miss you. And I love you. Sometimes I just need to know that I still matter to you?”
Listening means tuning in to the feelings behind the words. Don’t just hear what is said. Hear what is meant. Watch body language, tone, and listen for the emotion behind the words. That requires patience, empathy, and a willingness to sit quietly, even when it is uncomfortable.
Resist the Urge to Fix
This one is especially hard for me. When someone shares a struggle, I immediately want to solve the problem. “Why don’t you try this? I know a guy who can help.” This tendency once earned me this suggestion from a friend. “I think you should consider going on an advice sabbatical.”
Most people are not waiting for our advice. They want our understanding. They want someone to enter their world, not engineer a way out of it.
The discipline of listening means resisting the urge to fix. Sometimes the holiest thing you can say is, “That sounds really hard. I’m sorry you are going through this.”
Share Yourself
Some of us hide behind silence. We nod and smile and let others talk but never open up in return. While silence can feel like good listening, it can also create distance.
Healthy listening includes a willingness to empathize, to feel with a person, and to open our hearts. When we show a willingness to share our story, a disappointment, a frustration, or even a joy – letting others hear our story builds trust. Openness invites openness.
Slow Down
Listening takes time. You cannot mourn with someone while checking your watch. You cannot hear someone’s heart in a quick exchange on the way out the door.
If you want to really listen, you have to make space for it. Put down the phone. Close the laptop. Schedule unhurried time. Listening communicates value, and value is always spelled T-I-M-E.
Find a Circle, Not Just a Row
Listening rarely thrives in rows of chairs on Sunday morning. It happens in circles — small groups, friendships, support groups, around kitchen tables, in coffee shops.
If you’re not part of a smaller circle where listening is possible, find one. Or start one. The depth you long for will not come through sermons alone, but through conversations where people know your story, your struggles, and your heart.
Listening Is a Gospel Practice
At its core, listening is not just a social skill. It is a gospel practice.
We worship a listening God. The Psalms cry out, “Hear my prayer, O Lord.” And He does (Psalm 34:15; Psalm 65:2; Psalm 116:1; Isaiah 65:24; 1 John 5:14; 1 Peter 3:12).
And in Jesus, God did not just hear from a distance — He entered our world, bore our griefs, and carried our sorrows. When we listen, we mirror His heart.
So, here is the challenge: put these practices to work. Ask good questions. Resist fixing. Listen (and look) for feelings. Share something of yourself. And give others the gift of your full, undivided attention.
Because listening is not as easy as it sounds, but when we listen to one another, we create space for God’s grace to move through us - and in us.
We all know what it feels like to be “heard” but not really listened to. Maybe you were talking to a friend, and you could tell they were only half there, waiting for their turn to talk. Or maybe you’ve caught your mind wandering and you were already three steps ahead, planning your response.
The truth is this: listening is not as easy as it sounds.
Listening is a discipline. It takes humility, patience, and practice. And it may be one of the most important gifts you can give to another person.
In the October 5 article, I put together a brief summary of Sunday’s content. But I left out many of the “how to” parts. Here are some practical ways to cultivate the kind of listening that builds trust and deepens relationships.
Stop Preparing Your Response
Most of us don’t realize how quickly our minds shift away from the person in front of us. When we are supposed to be listening, we start planning what we’ll say next instead. Or we start rehearsing a story that will top theirs. When we do that, we’ve already stopped listening.
Good listening means setting aside your cleverness and focusing completely on the other person. Listening is not about preparing the perfect reply. It is about being present.
Sometimes the most powerful response is as simple as:
“Thanks for telling me.” OR “I didn’t realize you were going through that.” OR “That must be hard.”
Ask Better Questions
“How was school?” usually gets you “fine.” “How’s work?” A shrug.
Listening is fueled by thoughtful, specific, open-ended questions.
Try: “Who did you sit with at lunch today?”
“What’s the best part of your new job so far?”
“What’s been the hardest thing this week?”
Specific, open-ended questions create momentum in a conversation. They show you are paying attention, and they invite more than a one-word answer.
Give Up the Right to Have the Last Word
One of the surest ways to shut down a moment is to hijack it. Someone shares their story, and we jump in with, “That’s nothing. You should hear what happened to me!”
When we do this, we take the spotlight off the other person and put it on ourselves. Listening requires letting the other person have the moment. Do not try to match their story, outdo it, or explain it away. Simply let it stand. Consider your silence a gift.
Listen Between and Behind the Words
This is where many of us stumble. Someone (my aging mother) says, “You never call me anymore.” My instinct was to argue the fact: “Mom. I just called you a few days ago,” ~ and show her the phone log. (In case you are wondering. This was NOT helpful.)
What she was really saying was, “I miss you. And I love you. Sometimes I just need to know that I still matter to you?”
Listening means tuning in to the feelings behind the words. Don’t just hear what is said. Hear what is meant. Watch body language, tone, and listen for the emotion behind the words. That requires patience, empathy, and a willingness to sit quietly, even when it is uncomfortable.
Resist the Urge to Fix
This one is especially hard for me. When someone shares a struggle, I immediately want to solve the problem. “Why don’t you try this? I know a guy who can help.” This tendency once earned me this suggestion from a friend. “I think you should consider going on an advice sabbatical.”
Most people are not waiting for our advice. They want our understanding. They want someone to enter their world, not engineer a way out of it.
The discipline of listening means resisting the urge to fix. Sometimes the holiest thing you can say is, “That sounds really hard. I’m sorry you are going through this.”
Share Yourself
Some of us hide behind silence. We nod and smile and let others talk but never open up in return. While silence can feel like good listening, it can also create distance.
Healthy listening includes a willingness to empathize, to feel with a person, and to open our hearts. When we show a willingness to share our story, a disappointment, a frustration, or even a joy – letting others hear our story builds trust. Openness invites openness.
Slow Down
Listening takes time. You cannot mourn with someone while checking your watch. You cannot hear someone’s heart in a quick exchange on the way out the door.
If you want to really listen, you have to make space for it. Put down the phone. Close the laptop. Schedule unhurried time. Listening communicates value, and value is always spelled T-I-M-E.
Find a Circle, Not Just a Row
Listening rarely thrives in rows of chairs on Sunday morning. It happens in circles — small groups, friendships, support groups, around kitchen tables, in coffee shops.
If you’re not part of a smaller circle where listening is possible, find one. Or start one. The depth you long for will not come through sermons alone, but through conversations where people know your story, your struggles, and your heart.
Listening Is a Gospel Practice
At its core, listening is not just a social skill. It is a gospel practice.
We worship a listening God. The Psalms cry out, “Hear my prayer, O Lord.” And He does (Psalm 34:15; Psalm 65:2; Psalm 116:1; Isaiah 65:24; 1 John 5:14; 1 Peter 3:12).
And in Jesus, God did not just hear from a distance — He entered our world, bore our griefs, and carried our sorrows. When we listen, we mirror His heart.
So, here is the challenge: put these practices to work. Ask good questions. Resist fixing. Listen (and look) for feelings. Share something of yourself. And give others the gift of your full, undivided attention.
Because listening is not as easy as it sounds, but when we listen to one another, we create space for God’s grace to move through us - and in us.
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